Sh*t My Drew Says

without wax

“Every now and again in our modern society, a guy’s got to own up to his faults, take a deep breath, take a look in the mirror, and say “I want to see the film ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting.””

“Good Lord, I’m pretty sure my hair’s turning blonde from the intense sun bath yesterday. Either that or my Super Saiyan heritage is finally showing itself.”

“Do something funny with that baby!!!”

“That’s right world: I’m breaking out the ol’ Aquaman shirt today! I am just WAITING for a passerby to try to tell me he’s lame…”

“Why is it that it takes me getting extremely drunk to make me realize it’s been over year since I’ve built a pillow fort…? I have work to do.”

“[at Jittery Joe’s] These people need to STOP looking at me like I’m weird for doing yogic stretches. It’s my body, damnit!!”

“[after finding out that BullDawgFood Delivery has an App] This is going to make overeating from my couch SO streamlined!!”

“I so impressed the lady running the register at Trader Joe’s with my wine knowledge that she said we should split a bottle sometime. That won’t happen in this reality, but it was still nice to hear on this “i need to down this bottle of wine”- kind of day.”

“[at Jittery Joe’s Coffee Shop] Makin’ turkey bacon at work. ALL NIGHT. Not planning on going home with any, nor will I be giving it to a single customer. This place is going to smell AWESOME!”

“[in reference to reading The Walking Dead comics] Look, I’m gonna say this with as much respect for your schooling and both your jobs as I can muster: The Walking Dead is more important than schooling and both your jobs.”